Went to the hospital yesterday to see another doctor about my... sickness. He asked me a million questions and when it was all over he was like... alright, minor surgery tomorrow morning. Hate to rush you but that's how it goes.
So they put tubes down my throat and stuff and looked around at my insides to see if I had crones.
(Crones- disease that my father hes, unlikely to kill you but annoying and incurable)
They took blood, and the next morning (today) they took more blood and gave me an IV. I was sleeping through the entire thing, and I got a wheel chair afterwords. So it wasn't all that bad.
So, they found nothing. Which is really good. But I have two more tests with them and then two more doctors to go see if those tests are all negative.
....ew.
But the hospital is beautiful. Like, SOOO beautiful.






So it's not so bad that I'll be spending a lot of time there.
Things with Brandon are too weird to even bother trying to explain.
I met someone, and they're perfect. And I'm so excited to see where things go.
-Katy Lang <3

Oh, and James says he's going to come visit me this weekend. Which would be amazing. Because I adore him.

Oh yeah, and our painter... is really cute. And he's starting to get flirty and touchy with me. Hehe, After him and James, all I need is Amos B Hard, to come and visit me and I'll have Army, Marines and Air Force. (Which is funny, because they all fight over which ones the best.)

Date:	2007-03-31 14:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	I Fucking Hate You- Godsmack

My new list:
1. You are so lucky, and you're about to fuck it up because of your insecurities.
2. You make me want to vomit because you're so disgustingly pathetic.
3. Get a life, and get over it.
4. I'm really sorry that my friend likes you. Because I really like you too.
5. You're really sweet... but you're a bad kisser.
6. You're like my favorite person ever. I'm so glad we're gunna chill soon.
7. You have to come with me because I love you and your my friend-soul-mate thing...yeah.
8. You love your pride more then you ever could have loved me.
9. I adore you. I missed talking all the time. I'm glad we do again.
10. You're just stupid. And I hate you. Even though I don't know you.

Date:	2007-03-31 13:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

So Apparently...
I had a relationship... with Evan Toth. Which is funny, because I didn't.
So FOR THE RECORD:
Emily Royalty is a lying crazy bitch who would say anything to get some attention. I am REALLY pissed at EVERYONE who took a part in that rumor and they know who they are.
AND
I am REALLY sick of hearing that I'm being bashed over Mike Lackey STILL.
Dear god people, get lives
-Katy Lang

Date:	2007-03-31 02:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	New Shoes- That guy

I'm still in love with Brandon, obviously...
But I'm still trying to move on. And in doing so, I have a crush.
I feel like I'm in the 6th grade again, swooning over someone I barely know.
But it feels good. And it feels safe.
I miss that feeling. I was convinced for so long (And still sometimes am) that Brandon and I would be together as long as we both lived. I lost that exciting feeling that you get, wondering if you've met someone amazing.
It's not the same, of course. Already knowing someone who is amazing is better. But this comes close, and who knows... things might be great.
Naturally, this is REALLY premature.
But it's fun to dream. And think about it. I dunno. I think it's good for me. I really do.
-Katy Lang

Date:	2007-03-27 02:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	It Ain't Me- Johnny Cash

It's been a while... I have so many entries to read.
I'm starting to think that maybe this sickness has nothing to do with my health, and everything to do with my heart. I tried to get more intimate with someone today (Nothing serious at all) ... and I started crying. Right in the middle of everything. Embarrassing- yes. Needed- again, yes. I hope that Brandon's happy and not going through all of this, because it hurts. It hurts everywhere.
I've never been this sick in my life. Sometimes I sleep through full days at a time. I have to go see another doctor, the 4th one, and my 7th visit.... no, 9th. Into boston... to see some hot shot.
But I don't think he'll find anything wrong with me.
I don't think anyone will.
I think I know what's wrong already.
I see myself breaking down in every way possible... and it's scary. It's scary as fuck.
I started doing things I haven't done in a while. Old habits die hard I guess.
Things happened the way they did for a reason... but I'm still not accepting them.
I think he is, though. I'm really proud of him.
I think he's happy, too. Which is great. I mean, it's amazing. Honestly, that's all I want.
So, now that I've run out of tissues twice.. I'm gunna go find another box... and stop writing on this thing.

I doubt you read this anymore, and if you don't... then good. I'm glad. But in case you do, Brandon, if for some reason something still possesses you to read this... I still love you. And I hope your life is going amazingly well, because you deserve it. You really do. You always deserved to be happy.
I'm sorry. I really am.
-Katy Lang

Date:	2007-03-16 17:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	Sleepy
Music:	Nickelback- If Everyone Care

It's been a while. This is the second time I've gotten out of bed all day, and the first time was for 3 minutes or so. My life= Sleep
I'm still sick, and going to see different doctors. Maybe? I'm terrified. I hate doctors so much.
Nickelback, Three days grace, and Breaking Benjamin concert was amazing. Ash, Jean and I almost got thrown out for screaming too much... and thing that perhaps we shouldn't have been screaming. Such as:
"You're so fuckin' hot!"
"Take it off! Take it all off!"
"You have such a nice ass!"
"Do Me!"
"Fuck Me!'
"I want to be your guitar!!!"
"HAVE MY BABIES!!!"
Ect, ect.
Naturally, we had to wait until the crowd was silent before we did. I love Benjamin... Mmmm.
After the show we ran into some guys who talked to us about the show. When we were waiting for Jen with the car we were standing by a limo, and the guys we had met climbed in screaming and yelling. They invited us to a strip club with them... Jean wouldn't let us go. Ash and I were pissed. It would have kicked ass.
Jean: "Do you want to get raped?"
Ashley: "It's not rape if I want it!!"

Good times.

Oh, and we all got our asses grabbed by random guys/girls... several times. And we got eye fucked SOO much... My ass hurts from all the anal eye fucking.
Just kidding... mostly.
-Katy Lang

Date:	2007-03-11 10:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	Chill
Music:	Penny Lane- The Beetles

Friday continued:
More blood taken.
Saturday:
Chill, finally. Nothing bad happened at all.
Took my puppies to the groomer.
Gave Buttons a bath.
Watched at least 4 movies.
Sunday:
I'll be working all day.
And plan to continue my movie marathon.
Celebrating my little brothers birthday.
-Katy Lang <3

Oh, and Andrew and James got mono... hahaha.
Poor babies, I know how that is.

Date:	2007-03-09 09:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	Pathetic
Music:	Panic! At The Disco- Nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks

So, my life has been as follows:
Tuesday:
Sleep through A Period, Attend B, C, and D.
Go to therapy for an hour, wait 45 minutes after that to see a different doctor.
Wednesday:
Sleep until 11:00 and get up to go to the doctor.
They take 6 or 7 more tubes of blood.
I didn't pass out this time- and therefor didn't even get a wheelchair this time. Just a crummy cotton ball and a piece of tape for all of my blood... good trade.
Thursday:
All of my tests come back negative.
That means more tests.
I wake up at about 1:00 screaming. I had a dream about a doctor jabbing a needle into my side.
The pain kills... I walk into my parents room to apologize for screaming and waking them up...
Pass out on the floor. Lay in my parents bed crying for a little while while my mother holds me...pathetic? You bet.
Friday:
Just woke up and feeling pretty crappy. Probably going to go downstairs and read.
We'll see.

At therapy, my therapist asked about my current love relationships (of which I have none)
All I could tell her that was no matter how great the people I talk to are... they're not Brandon.
No one seems good enough anymore. I love them all, but not like that.
I guess it's normal, at least I'd assume it is.
I compare everyone to him, he was so perfect for me. It's so hard to let a love like that go... I'm having huge issues doing it. I know it's for the best, at least I tell myself that I know that. I wasn't mentally stable enough for a relationship and Brandon couldn't trust me fully. That was my fault though.
I couldn't do the long distance, at least at the time I didn't think I could.
He was my prince charming... and I was Cinderella. Only existing at night... magical but unreal.
...yeah
I feel really stupid writing all this, so I'm going to stop.
I miss Shannon and Sa Ja, and all the rest of my friends.

-Katy Lang <3

Date:	2007-03-04 22:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	Lusty
Music:	Penny Lane- The Beetles

Still feeling pretty crappy. But that's alright. I go apple cobbler. And it was amazing.
We went to smokey bones to celebrate my little brothers birthday. (15 tomorrow). I saw a total of 6 or 7 hot guys.
Daniel (Wolverine)
Guy in red hat (who looked exactly like Brandon's friend)
Guy in black hat (who looked exactly like Brandon)
3 guys who looked like triplets. Had to at least be brothers.
Some other cute waiter.. not as cute and didn't catch his name.

As I was waiting (for 25 minutes) the two friends in the hats stared at me the entire time. It was weird at first. It was hard not to see them as Brandon and his friend. The cuter one, who looked like Brandon never took his eyes off of me. He smiled, gave me the head nod and the eyebrow raise. His friend was pushing him to go talk to me I think, but of course he didn't. When I left, he waved, and I smiled. I might have stared at him a bit, just because he reminded me of Brandon so much... Well and because he was really hot. It was weird... and kind of depressing.
Him and the triplet boys were WAY hotter then Daniel, believe it or not. I was highly impressed... and lusty.

I love Andrew, I wanna marry him. He's like my BFFL. He's too funny. We talk ALL the time now, and I enjoy every minute of it.

-Katy Lang <3

I hate mono. I want it to go away... but at the same time, it's really nice to be able to do whatever the hell I want at school.
I miss Brandon so much that it's almost disgusting... I guess that's to be expected. It's so hard to talk to him and not tell him how I feel... but if I did, it would lead to more crying and fighting.

Date:	2007-02-25 00:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	It's Not Over- Chris Daughtry

Lately my life has had the reoccurring theme that it always takes after a while. Men put me up on this pedestal. I'm perfect, I'm a goddess, I'm amazing... they love me and they always will no matter what.
I know how egotistical this sounds, but I'm so sick of it.
I can't live up to the expectations that they hand me. I know they don't care if I do or not... but it breaks me down. How am I supposed to handle it? I know that seems so ungrateful, because it is. But it's the truth.

There are several guys who I want to read this. Please don't take offence.
-Katy Lang <3

Is it wrong to feel the way I do? Yes. I know it is. I can't help it though.
I have a new list, I find that they're very theraputic and so I will try to write them more often.
Each one is to a different person, and no, I can't tell you which one you are.

1. Whatever it is that we had- is over.
2. It isn't your fault, but you really hurt me.
3. Looking back, I think we should have tried harder to make it work, I'm still so in love with you.
4. You're one of two people who know everything about me, and still love me. I love you so much, and couldn't imagine my life without you. Thank you, for everything.
5. I love being your friend. But we can't be together, I honestly could never sleep with you. I'm sorry.
6. You need so much therapy it isn't even funny.
7. You are so deserving of my and anyone elses love, but I can't bring myself to feel that way about you.
8. You just plain suck. Sorry, that's just how it is.
9. You are so unworthy of the love you recieve. And the things that you're handed.
10. I don't understand how one human being could lie so much.
11. I miss you like crazy, I want our summer back. Anyone who feels otherwise is retarded.
12. You...wow. I can't explain the effect you have on me.
13. I'm sorry about the things I said to you, I love you. You're amazing.
14. You're almost my best friend, I'm really glad to have to as my brother.
15. Thank you.

Date:	2007-02-20 20:36
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Regina Spektor

My love life is... well, non-existant at the moment. But, I'm enjoying being (mostly) single. I talk to Andrew all the time now, he's quickly becoming a very close friend. There isn't much more to say on that entire subject so I think I'm going to go upstairs and watch Silence of the Lambs with my little brother. He's at his "I hate Mom and Dad" stage so we've been "bonding". My parents are getting me a car, it's official. I have no idea what it is though. We'll see.
-Katy Lang <3

Date:	2007-02-17 12:13
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	We Danced Anyway- Deana Carter

Life has gotten confusing. I mean it was before, but now I'm not avoiding it. My relationship with Brandon was amazing, but I couldn't handle the long distance and not seeing him. More so, thinking I was going to see him and not. I'm not sure if I could do long distance if I knew I was never going to see the person. I found someone amazing- a masterpiece of human creation. But I'm afraid to do this again; To break my heart again. To be a sort of cinderella, who's love only exists at night. If Brandon and I couldn't make it long distance, who can?
However, I don't want to miss the chance to be happy with the most amazing woman I've ever met. I can tell I have a lot of thinking and talking ahead of me.
Wish me luck!
-Katy Lang <3

Date:	2007-02-15 07:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	In Love

I feel all funny inside... in the good way.
: )

Date:	2007-02-13 21:45
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	Anna Nalick- Breathe

Our love is a quiet wind
It speaks not a word but I know we can feel it
Soft and soothing, untouchable and relentless
With a bittersweet chill and fallen leaves to escort it

Our love is my deepest sin
Punishable by doubt if we ever reveal it
Despite what they say, we will never repent this
A sinless bible, and only we realize it

Our love is this poem you're in
I won't say it out loud; l will always conceal it
Though its flawed, the emotions are boundless
A product of my sentiment and the bitter world surrounding it

This, is my first attempt at poetry that I didn't have to do, ever. Happy Valentines day, I hope it amuses you.
- Katy <3

Update:
I don't have a valentine so Andrew and I have decided to be valentines. And we're exchanging gifts which is sweet because we're both sad and lonely. This is the first time I've been alone on V-Day since the 5th grade. It sucks. Buuut, what sucks even more is that I and my doctors think I have mono. I get the results back tomorrow (Happy Valentines Day). I've been out for FOREVER. I went to the doctor and passed out, hit my head on the door and then threw up 6 times. Which was not that bad because I got to roll around in a wheel chair after.
Brandon and I are talking again, kind of. I don't really know.
More on that later.

Date:	2007-02-09 11:32
Subject:	Things I want to say to people
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Samson- Regina Spektor

1. I'm still in love with you.
2. I'm really glad we're not friends anymore.
3. You're amazing, I would never return you.
4. I miss you so much it hurts.
5. You were never my type.
6. You were always my type.
7. You're beautiful, I love you. Never change.
8. You deserve so much better then him. I've always loved you and I always will.
9. You scare the shit out of me.
10. I think I might be falling for you.
11. I had a crush on you at least 6 years ago and I still think about you.
12. You're adorable, you always make me smile.
13. I'm really jealous of you.
14. I forgive you.
15. I think I'm gay.

Date:	2007-01-22 19:44
Subject:	Oops
Security:	Public
Mood:	working
Music:	Samson- Regina Spektor

Soo, today Ms. Green saw me and was like "So I heard you and Emily got in a car accident."
Now... I don't know who told her that, but whoever did, is dead. And I'm going to find out who done it.
She was like "Did it happen right after my son got out of the car?"
Me: "...uhh no." Thinking: "I'm going to kill whoever told her..."
So, I'm on a mission to find and kill whoever told Ms.Green. Unless it was Sa Ja (Sugar Pears) in which case I don't care because I love her so much.
Other then that... My Classes= Death.
A Period- AP History with Woods
Now, there goes my entire social life. It's gone. Totally gone.
B Period- Honors English with Franzeim
I really like her, but I hate reading... score.
C Period- Algebra III/ Trig. with Smyth
Love the teacher... hate math. Oh, And hate sitting around Joe C, Ian DeBay and Joes best friend, Mike. Now, Mikes a really nice kid. We've almost always gotten along and he's smart. It's cool that he's ok enough with me to talk to me and joke with me... help me with math and whatever. But it was SOOO awkward at first.
D Period- Chamber with Condor!
He made me a first Soprano and was randomly like... "Hey, can you hit this note?" And I did and he was like "We had to omit that note last year because no one could sing it so I was just wondering if you could."
My sight reading sucks but he said my pitch and tone were good... yay?
SOO excited about having that class with Muffin and Sugar Pears.

Date:	2007-01-20 03:16
Subject:	Car accident (A real one)
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	Raindrops- Regina Spektor

So... I'm alive. Which is amazing because Emily, Jean and I got into a car accident today. We hit a patch of black ice and went swerving off the road... I saw us lose control of the car and then go up onto this hill. We flipped.. the entire car did a 360 roll if not more. Emily and Jean were in the front, I was in the back. I put my hand up onto the ceiling to stop my neck from breaking... The car was totaled. The two mirrors were like 8 feet from the car, Emilys window was totally gone, the top of Jeans seat was too. The front was totally shattered but still in tact. The roof was caved in and Jean couldn't open her door. I was fine except for my hand which hurt a lot. Jeans neck and back hurt and same with Emilys. Emily passed out on my shoulder and they put two braces on her, strapped her to a board and shoved her into the ambulance. Same thing with Jean except that they gave her oxygen. I went in the other ambulance in my wicked awesome neck brace and back board... and was discharged like less than an hour after I got there. Emily took way longer and Jean even longer then Emily. They had to cut their shirts off and shoved needles into them. We all still have glass in our bras and stuff but every ones alright. The EMT's and the woman who found us said that they couldn't believe we were alive... let alone alright. I hurt everywhere but not as much as Emily and Jean. We got really lucky... every ones been really supportive of us.
I love my friends sooo much.
'Specially Emily, Jean, Shannon, Darren and Jeff (Who got out about 20 minutes before the accident)

Date:	2007-01-01 13:01
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Animal- Three Days Grace

I think things are going to be ok from now on. But hey, we'll see.
I'm happy. Believe it or not.
If nothing else, I have that.
And some really great friends.
Emily, I wuv you. I missed you while I was in NJ.
Shannon and Phoenix... still need to give you guys your christmas presents.
Darren, been there for me through anything and you always make me feel better.
Sarah Jordan, I freaking love you.
Mark, You're so much fun and I really enjoy hanging out with you.
Brandon, I don't know if I'd call you a friend but I love you, you're amazing.
Everyone else- You guys are cool too.

I'll see everyone either later today when I get home or tomorrow at school. I miss everyone so give me a call if you haven't already.
And
Have a Happy New Years!!!
(Which you probably all won't because you'll be hung over from New Years Eve.)

-Katy<3